Will you hear me?

God

Will you hear me God?

Will you listen to one who scoffs at the sacrifice of your son?

Would you turn your ear to one who would believe a lie?

God, do you hear my cry?

I don’t have words to express the pain that I feel

I only know that you promised to carry me through these times.
Where are you?
I’ve stood on the promise that you will never leave nor forsake me.

Why am I standing alone?

Not even standing

Stumbling on my face

Desperately trying

To hold on to your grace

Slipping

Clawing

Crying for help.

Out of breath I stop to regain my ground

I look around

Nothing

Reaching out for anything to tell me that I matter

My soul is crying out for the touch of the Master.

God I need you.

Without you I am nothing.

There is no purpose

No joy to this life

I’m sinking,

Drowning

Under waves of this world’s storms.

Believing the lies that

I am unloved

Uncared for

Worthless.

But you

Sent your son as a baby

To walk this road to Calvary.

He bled and died in atonement for me.

I could never achieve righteousness on my own

You sent your son Jesus to lead me to your throne.

But will you hear me now God?

Will you hear my cries now?

At your feet do I humbly bow before you

With nothing to offer

but broken pieces of a filthy life.

Will you hear my plea Lord and hold me close?

Even youths grow weary.

Raise me up on wings like eagles

And let me rest securely again

In you.

Idolatry

I’ve had a bit of a revelation over the last few days.

Last year, one of the biggest lessons I had to learn was to not allow myself to be set up as an idol for others. I can’t save people. It’s not in my power. Nor do I have any strength to carry them and their burdens. Due to the way I grew up, I naturally do this with my family. I recognized last year that I do it with my sister all of the time. I realized that rather than placing her in God’s hands and allowing Him to take care of her, I felt that I needed to be the one to shelter and protect her. And in doing so I ended up coddling and hiding her away from the Truth. So I’ve learned that I need to let go and let God take care of her.

Well now I’m facing the separation of my parents. The only family that I’ve ever known – as dysfunctional as it may be – has completely disintegrated and I’m left with an over abundance of emotion. What I’m finding though is that the same principle still holds true. I cannot be the idol that my family holds on to when things get hard. It cannot be me. I can’t be their strength. I can’t be their hope. I can’t even be their wisdom. I cannot allow myself to fall into the trap of thinking that I have to be strong for them; that I can’t express how I truly feel out of fear of how that will affect them. It’s not my place. It’s God’s. What I can be is their guide.

Yes, I am in pain. I hurt. I’m angry. I’ve been betrayed and dishonored. Even as an adult, watching your family fall apart – yet again – is not easy. Being helpless as you watch the destruction unfold is not easy to do. Everything in me wants to make everything all right. But I am fully aware of the fact that the only reason why I have any hope that there will be good to come from all of this is because I know that I have a heavenly Father who is stronger and more faithful than my earthly father. I know that my Father in heaven will never leave me behind or ignore me. My God has and always will meet all of my needs. I know in whom my help (and my hope) comes from. So no matter how painful a process it may be, I can lay before him the emotions that I feel and know that He will both care and console as He heals.

In truth, this has been difficult for me. Emotions are not something that I handle well. But in the midst of my pain, at the bottom of the valley, I saw His unfailing love in action. I saw His hands and feet actively interceding. I felt His loving arms holding me, and the comfort of knowing that He’s always there, just waiting for me to let Him work. I am comforted tonight for that. I am thankful that though I am not strong enough to handle my own feelings (let alone anyone else’s), He is. I’m thankful that when I can’t move any closer, He closes the gap on His own. I am thankful that He never leaves us in the pit of our despair, but that He will pick us up and carry us in His arms out of the muck and mire, into a place of hope and peace.

I can’t be the Savior for my family. They each have to deal with their own choices. But my prayer is that they will see the light of His grace shine through me in this time of pain, that they won’t see my strength but His. And I pray that ultimately, my hope will become their own.