Will you hear me?

God

Will you hear me God?

Will you listen to one who scoffs at the sacrifice of your son?

Would you turn your ear to one who would believe a lie?

God, do you hear my cry?

I don’t have words to express the pain that I feel

I only know that you promised to carry me through these times.
Where are you?
I’ve stood on the promise that you will never leave nor forsake me.

Why am I standing alone?

Not even standing

Stumbling on my face

Desperately trying

To hold on to your grace

Slipping

Clawing

Crying for help.

Out of breath I stop to regain my ground

I look around

Nothing

Reaching out for anything to tell me that I matter

My soul is crying out for the touch of the Master.

God I need you.

Without you I am nothing.

There is no purpose

No joy to this life

I’m sinking,

Drowning

Under waves of this world’s storms.

Believing the lies that

I am unloved

Uncared for

Worthless.

But you

Sent your son as a baby

To walk this road to Calvary.

He bled and died in atonement for me.

I could never achieve righteousness on my own

You sent your son Jesus to lead me to your throne.

But will you hear me now God?

Will you hear my cries now?

At your feet do I humbly bow before you

With nothing to offer

but broken pieces of a filthy life.

Will you hear my plea Lord and hold me close?

Even youths grow weary.

Raise me up on wings like eagles

And let me rest securely again

In you.

Idolatry

I’ve had a bit of a revelation over the last few days.

Last year, one of the biggest lessons I had to learn was to not allow myself to be set up as an idol for others. I can’t save people. It’s not in my power. Nor do I have any strength to carry them and their burdens. Due to the way I grew up, I naturally do this with my family. I recognized last year that I do it with my sister all of the time. I realized that rather than placing her in God’s hands and allowing Him to take care of her, I felt that I needed to be the one to shelter and protect her. And in doing so I ended up coddling and hiding her away from the Truth. So I’ve learned that I need to let go and let God take care of her.

Well now I’m facing the separation of my parents. The only family that I’ve ever known – as dysfunctional as it may be – has completely disintegrated and I’m left with an over abundance of emotion. What I’m finding though is that the same principle still holds true. I cannot be the idol that my family holds on to when things get hard. It cannot be me. I can’t be their strength. I can’t be their hope. I can’t even be their wisdom. I cannot allow myself to fall into the trap of thinking that I have to be strong for them; that I can’t express how I truly feel out of fear of how that will affect them. It’s not my place. It’s God’s. What I can be is their guide.

Yes, I am in pain. I hurt. I’m angry. I’ve been betrayed and dishonored. Even as an adult, watching your family fall apart – yet again – is not easy. Being helpless as you watch the destruction unfold is not easy to do. Everything in me wants to make everything all right. But I am fully aware of the fact that the only reason why I have any hope that there will be good to come from all of this is because I know that I have a heavenly Father who is stronger and more faithful than my earthly father. I know that my Father in heaven will never leave me behind or ignore me. My God has and always will meet all of my needs. I know in whom my help (and my hope) comes from. So no matter how painful a process it may be, I can lay before him the emotions that I feel and know that He will both care and console as He heals.

In truth, this has been difficult for me. Emotions are not something that I handle well. But in the midst of my pain, at the bottom of the valley, I saw His unfailing love in action. I saw His hands and feet actively interceding. I felt His loving arms holding me, and the comfort of knowing that He’s always there, just waiting for me to let Him work. I am comforted tonight for that. I am thankful that though I am not strong enough to handle my own feelings (let alone anyone else’s), He is. I’m thankful that when I can’t move any closer, He closes the gap on His own. I am thankful that He never leaves us in the pit of our despair, but that He will pick us up and carry us in His arms out of the muck and mire, into a place of hope and peace.

I can’t be the Savior for my family. They each have to deal with their own choices. But my prayer is that they will see the light of His grace shine through me in this time of pain, that they won’t see my strength but His. And I pray that ultimately, my hope will become their own.

Light and Dark

Post Thanksgiving, people are quick to move straight into Christmas mode. The nice thing about Thanksgiving coming early this year is that there's a whole week between turkey day and the beginning of Dec, which for most people it seems is enough to cause a brief pause between holidays to reflect. At least it did for me.

I spent a lot of time meditating on the power of God's law in our lives; it's ability to reveal not only our need for salvation that we cannot attain on our own, but also the great grace that is shown by God when He sent his son, Jesus, to earth to die on the cross for us. In this meditating I've found a new and revived appreciation for the Law as well as God’s sacrifice. I’ve had a renewed spirit of thanksgiving and joy over the fact that there was absolutely no way that we, as humans, could have ever attained, or regained, our righteousness without the blood of Jesus to cover our sins. He didn’t have to do it. There is nothing about us to compel God to go the extra mile out of obligation. Rather He chose to show His great love for His creation voluntarily.

Then, this morning I came across a Christmas sermon on my iPod that I apparently downloaded last year and wasn’t aware of. It's funny how His timing is always perfect. The sermon talked about the power of light in the dark. I think most of us have heard some kind of similar argument at some point, but here's the question that forced me to pause: what if Jesus had never come to earth?

If He had chosen not to come to earth, not to be born as a baby, not to live a sinless life, not to die, not to suffer, not to love...where would we be? I find that it's easy to brush off the concept of what light brings to darkness, because light is always here. When talking spiritually, it's easy to brush off the necessity of God's light in our lives when the hope that He's given us is already here. When truth is revealed, whether we choose to live our lives in grateful submission to God Almighty or not, there is light, there is hope in the world because Jesus lives.

But what if that light had not come?

What if?

What if we were still lost and stumbling in the darkness? What joy would we have? What peace? Light brings comfort, hope and peace to places of darkness and fear. God's law shows us just how dark the dark really is. But thanks be to God that He has not left us without a way out of the darkness.

I encourage you as we prepare to enter into the Advent season to take some time to reflect on how truly wonderful it is that we have a birth to celebrate. Because the life that came from that unique and precious birth brought us light to shine in our darkness.

Scary Prayers

“So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you.” – 1 Peter 4:19

“Don’t be surprised at todays suffering. It may be the answer to yesterday’s prayer to see God’s glory.”  - Worship The King

I am reminded this morning that scary prayers are scary because we often don’t know how you will answer them. Beyond that, we often don’t know if/how we’ll handle your answers to those prayers.

I’ve been struggling this term because nothing has been what I expected it to be. Foolishly, I led myself to think that the works that you were going to do this year would be wholly enjoyable and that life would be grand as I poured myself out in service to you. Instead, I’ve found this year to be wholly uncomfortable and completely different from what I had expected. But I don’t doubt that you are any less at work in my life now than you were last year. Nor do I feel the need to wonder at what it is you’re trying to teach me (though I know I still do). I realize that this has been an answer to prayers prayed long ago. Prayers for more of you. Prayers to be more intimate with you. Prayers to grow and be challenged by new things that reveal more of you in my life. Prayers to be used by you. Painful prayers that I had no idea how you would answer. And now, here in the midst of the answering process, I see your glory shining through.

I am thankful for the reminder this morning of your Word; that you never fail. The struggles I face today are still little compared to the outward persecution that many of your children face around the world. My struggle is inward. And yet I still have the choice to “keep on doing what is right and trust” you, or fold and surrender. By your strength, Father, I choose to stay strong. Glorify your name in my life today God and continue to break me down until only you remain. For I know that you will never fail.

Happy Thanksgiving

For many of you who are reading this, you still have a few more hours before it's officially Thanksgiving day. However I live my life ahead of you, therefore it is already officially Thanksgiving Day here in CN. :) Aside from that, one of my favorite things about celebrating Thanksgiving is that it's not just about one day, but about taking time to express and appreciate that which we are thankful for. So here's my list of [some of the] things that I'm thankful for.

- Peace and salvation. I am so incredibly thankful for the assurance that I have in Christ that my soul rests peacefully under His protection and intercession. 

- AMAZING Family. Growing up was challenging and abnormal. There were certainly times of trials and struggles, but when I look back at it all, there's a silent solace that was given by family that was always there working towards and praying for my best. From oldest to youngest, those closest and those that I talk to rarely, I have truly been blessed with wonderful family.

- Friendship. I have yet to ever find myself in need of a friend. Not because I'm "that cool", but because God has always provided the perfect person to fulfill a specific need at just the right time. The beauty of friendship in life has not been lost on me. For without companions to walk this road with, I would surely falter.

- Guitar/Music. In my most trying and stressful times, music is my retreat. Whether I'm playing it myself or listening to someone else's creation, I love how wonderfully soothing music can penetrate to the soul and lift my strength to face the day.

- Living in CN. There are many, I know, who would very much like for me to move back to the States, and that time will come eventually. But I cannot begin to express the gratitude I have for what I have learned since moving to CN. Not just the experiences, but the people and places as well have been permanently imprinted on my heart. 我爱中国

- Being Single. In all honesty, this has been a struggle for me as of late, but I have to list it. Many have commented to me in the past about my contentment in being single. I have no desire to be in a relationship with someone if I'm not absolutely certain that God has willed and blessed that relationship. I have too much honor and respect for the union of marriage. Being single for as long as I have has made me appreciate the beauty of that union even more. So while the blessings of being single may be waning, I'm still very grateful for what this time has taught me about relationships.

- God's Law. As a Christian, I do not live my life under the iron thumb of God's law, however I am still very thankful for the truth that it reveals: my sinfulness and need for a Savior. Let me not ever forget that.

- Education. I am thankful for the opportunity to be in school. I am thankful for any opportunity to learn new things. I am thankful that I have been given a mind to reason with and the hunger to never stop learning.

- Paul's and Timothy's. I had a friend tell me once that everyone should have a Paul and a Timothy in their life. In other words, everyone should have someone who's pouring into and challenging them and someone who they are pouring into and challenging. I know that I have already said thank you for friendships, but these specific ones are especially precious to me as they have fed my heart the very Word of God in times of greatest hunger. 

- A place of employment. As an American, I'm thankful to have a job. As a human, I am thankful that can I enjoy what I do. As a touchy-feely, getting-more-emotional-with age person, I am thankful that little children are both loving and forgiving. They warm my heart. I love my job.

- Ministry. Finally, I am thankful to have a means and ability to serve others. I am thankful that I have to opportunity to share the love of God by loving on those who are still seeking peace that is deeper than temporary satisfaction. 

I could most certainly continue on listing things that I'm thankful for, but I'll stop here for now. I pray that you will have ample opportunity to express the gratitude that you have for the blessings in your life, and that you will also take advantage of those opportunities. God bless you and keep you. 

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I've Been Missing

The last four weeks of my life have been intense, emotional, thought-provoking, straining. They have been challenging. They have been trying. And they have been painful. I've shut down. I've lashed out. I've lied. I've cried. I've had painful, humiliating talks and some "coincidental" convos that remind me of the truth. But most important is that I've always come out on top.
My goal is to try and share some of what I've been learning as I process through it all. But for my own sanity as much as yours, it will be done in several blogs - not just one. This is just an intro.

To begin with, I'll try to give you an idea of where my head is at. I've been taking two online courses - apologetics and theology. As if those classes wouldn't get my brain turning enough, I happened to start a book by John Piper called Desiring God AND a book with my roommates called Girls Gone Wise (sounds cheesy, but tis actually a great read) right around the same time. There have also been a few wonderfully timed sermons placed in there as well. Needless to say, my brain has been working hard trying to get ideas formed just from reading material alone. 
On top of all of that, there's life. Spending an afternoon going to Taiwan to get a dear friend. Concerns about family and frustrations about not getting a hold of people. Weather cooling down. Readjusting to working at a new campus location only to be told we have to move again. Selfishness. Dissatisfaction with my current wardrobe. New songs in the process. Accepting changes in personal goals and desires, as well acknowledging a reality that is slightly terrifying to me. I know I'm being vague, but you'll have to be patient with me. Details will come in time. Or they won't. 

Here's what I can tell you right now: that everything around me feels to be spinning at a stomach-turning pace and I've given in to the temptation of letting my emotions take the lead more than once in the last few weeks. But when I get my bearings back I'm reminded that the God that I gave my life to is the same God that said He would finish what He started in me. I'm reminded how amazing a grace it really is that a holy and just God would make a way for my sinful, soiled heart to be presented as not just an acceptable offering, but as righteous. There's a song by Sanctus Real that has so wonderfully expressed this sentiment for me.

Empty moments when I feel hopeless have left me restless inside. Doubt and sadness have kept me in fragments longing for a better life.... When I feel the current pullin' me down, can't keep the world from turning around, I keep on turning to You...'Cause You're the hope of a new sunrise, breaking over a desperate life and I keep turning to You. I keep turning to You. -- The Way The World Turns

 As I said, I'm in the process of organizing these thoughts better, but here's your warning now. There is more to come. :) Prayers are always appreciated. AND just cause I haven't been sending out emails does not mean I don't want to hear about what going on on the other side of the world. Email me and let me know you're still alive! 

'Til next time....

Home

Someone asked me the other day if I miss home. Typical me, I can’t ever give a straight answer. My home is identified better by people than places. Ultimately, Christ is my home, and for that reason I can be happy wherever I am when I know that Christ is there with me.

But from an earthly perspective, yes I miss home. I miss my parents and sister. I miss conversations with good friends over French toast at Denny’s.  I miss driving down to the beach in the middle of the night just to listen to the waves and wonder at God’s majesty (I realize it’s a bit ironic given that I still live by the beach). I miss the headache of going to the doctor and getting drugs for a sinus infection. Yes, there are things that I miss about home. Despite that however, I love my life here in China. I love the opportunities for growth and the challenges that I’m faced with. I love the relationships that are cultivated. I love having time to read because I don’t have to drive anywhere. I love the amusement in the little things. I love that I have a choice between looking at mountains or ocean or both to be reminded of how awesome God is. Yes I miss the familiar, but I rejoice in the excitement of the unexpected.

Over the last week, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about home and family. Looking back at circumstances and choices made in the past, I’m reminded again how great is the reach of God’s power and love. Nothing gets too far for Him to keep hold of. I am thankful that despite my foolishness and ignorance, His mercy is never too little to leave me in my filth. I am thankful that when nothing makes sense and everything I’ve held on to slips out of my hands, He is still there holding me up with His righteous right hand. It’s not possible for me to let a God like that down. When I’m in need of comfort and feeling alone, when I’m beating myself up for not doing things the right way or not being good enough, I am comforted by this: The God who created ALL that there is, who crafted me in my mother’s womb, is not shaken or put off by my fears and hesitations. He is not chased away by my stubbornness nor disgusted by my sinfulness and pride. This same God who holds the world in motion, holds me close to His chest and whispers, “I love you.” If only I will be still enough to listen.