Facing Fears

One of my favorite spots as a child was a window seat in one of our houses. It didn't overlook anything special; I don't even really remember what it was that I looked at, I just remember feeling at peace there. I would turn on some music, maybe get a book (or cd booklet), and just sit...and sing. It's been years since we lived there, but ever since, whenever I see a window seat, my heart gives a little leap of excitement. Not until moving to China have I had much experience with balconies (or rooftops), but I've come to realize I have a very similar reaction when I step out onto one. It's a feeling of release, of rest. 
I think that I might actually be afraid of heights deep down, but rather than running from that fear, I find the thrill of facing it freeing - with the exception of one time driving up the side of Pikes Peak with my family and being absolutely terrified that the van was gonna fall off the edge of the mountain. That is the only time I ever remember not being fully certain that my fear was unfounded. I bet my family didn't even know I was scared though. :) 
The reason I share this though is because every time I step onto a balcony, sit in a window seat or the edge of a roof, there's a part of me that feels as if I'm simply letting go of all control. I'm reminded that I am minuscule in the big picture and that I hold no control. The relief of not needing to is wonderful.

That window seat from my childhood has been on my mind a lot the last few weeks. In a strange bit of irony, I came to HK for a few days to get away and be alone to find that my bedroom has a wonderful window seat that is all mine to hole up in for hours at a time. Honestly, when I first climbed in, I was met with tears. This time I know that my escape comes in the form of the arms of my God. And in the process the lyrics to a song have spoken for me when I had no words.

 "I will stay, should the world 'round me fall, lift up Your name as the darkness falls. I will wait and hold fast to Your word; heart on Your heart and my eyes on Yours." - Stay and Wait, Hillsong United

You see, the world around me has fallen. All that I once knew and held tightly to has been exposed to be false. I have had walls broken down to reveal the devastation and neglect that has been ignored behind them. I feel weak. I feel exposed. I feel empty. 
My strength to give has all but diminished, not out of lack of desire, but a legitimate inability to do so. My energy is depleted and my emotions...are overwhelming. 
But there is a hope that I've found as well. Hope in knowing that in this exposure, this brokenness, I am ultimately, in the most desperate way possible, left at the mercy of God. It is by His hand that I've have been reduced to such and I am at peace with that. For I know that it is "in my weakness that He is made strong." I KNOW that He has full control. I also know that I have no means of taking back control. My life - however small and insignificant it is - is in His hands. And I find my solace in that.
So as I sit in the comfort of my window seat, feeling His arms of love wrapped around me, I'm finding the courage to face what I've been too scared to look at -  the loneliness that comes when you accept that people will always disappoint you. 
He will give me the strength to love again and by His mercy I will be made whole. I will be made complete in Him, and oh! The glory that He will receive in the end! 
"I will stay, should the world 'round me fall; lift up Your name as the darkness falls. I will wait, and hold fast to Your word; heart on Your heart and my eyes on Yours."