Worship Is….Part 8: Listening

That is what worshiping the Living God is all about!

And man, oh man, do I worship a LIVING God!

I was recently having a conversation with some friends about the Word of God and scripture. And a statement was made to the effect of, “If scripture was given to us to be used as the words of a living God, then it’s contents cannot be controlled by context.”

In other words, if my God was like all the other gods of the world, then whatever it ‘said’ would have to be filtered and processed through the filter of what was going on at the time of ‘speaking’. Because that god would not be relevant to today’s concerns and situations.

However, if my God is a living God; one who cares about today’s concerns and situations, who knows the ins and outs of my heart and will, and best yet, CARES about me, then words that he may have spoken centuries ago will have new life breathed into them when He gives them for the situation at hand.

We have the Scriptures – the law, the history and the words of the prophets and the apostles – so that we have a frame of reference. When God speaks to us, we can know that it is Him that is speaking because he “is the same yesterday, today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8) and we need only to compare today’s commands with yesterday’s commands. Are they in line?

So this gets me excited! It gets me excited because as I conclude this amazing story about what God has been teaching and doing and working in me in the last…two years - Worship - it’s also the preface into the beginning of a new story, a new journey.

I apologize (sorta). I left the story hanging for a few months, I know. But I couldn’t finish it until now. There were words still to be given. Lessons still to be learned. And obedience to be carried out, before this story could be given for you to share in.

Some of you may recall a few blogs back (Part 6), me sharing about my struggles with completing my degree and figuring out what to do about colleges and such. For months after the news, options and considerations for schools in the States and online where given ear. But nothing settled. I had no indication that returning to America was the way to go, but doing classes online wasn’t quite making sense to me either. It’s very difficult when your mind is saying “this is logical, let’s do this” and your heart says “no. wait. This doesn’t make sense.” You can’t always give a reason, but you learn to trust that it’s the Father’s still small voice whispering, “wait”. So you wait.

In November, a fluke message came to my awareness about studying in Germany. My immediate response was, “no, I live in China.” But it began wearing on me. It kept coming back in the most random conversations or situations….”Germany”. By December, I was pretty much convinced that I was moving to Germany. But how? Why? When? Where?

In the last five months, I’ve spent time fasting, praying, sharing with trusted mentors about the decision and gotten surprising and edifying responses from both man and God.

One night, I randomly decided to use one of my journals as a dream journal and I declared it to my roommate (mind you, I don’t generally remember my dreams at all) and was woken up with a reminder to write it down after having a very German dream.

God has spoken through friends who unknowingly confirmed questions that I had submitted to Abba, through messages that were perfectly timed, and through His blessed scripture.

This is by no means an easy obedience. God said go to Germany. Go be a student. Go serve my Body.

But as many of you may know, packing up and moving to a new CONTINENT is not exactly an easy thing. There are so many unknowns that even now, with only two months left in China, are still not completely settled.

But this one thing I do know, unquestionably: that it is the Lords will to take what He has been teaching me and use it in Europe, starting in Germany. Starting this summer. 

I don’t know what will happen once there. I don’t know anything long term. I do know that for the time being my new home will be on another new continent and more to come!

Your prayers for the journey would be wonderfully and graciously appreciated!

I encourage you to listen to our Lord. It’s not always what makes sense right now. But His will is good. When He speaks, however he speaks, listen and obey. There’s no better way to live!

Worship is…Part 7: The Church

In October some time, I joined a small group to study the Church in the Bible, taking a look at not just what did the early church “look like” per se, but also at leadership, instructions, purpose. How big? How come? What about today? What does that mean now? It’s been a wonderful time of fellowship, sharing and learning and I’m so thankful to God for bringing this seemingly unlikely group together.

You see, in the midst of my very obvious call to lead worship that God had/was dealing with me about, there came the question, “what does that mean in the church?” Now, I get that some might think that is a stupid question; that it’s obvious that if a person is called to lead others in worship, that would quite naturally mean that they would be using their gifts on Sunday morning and/or whatever other days of the week that the Body gathers together.

Well that’s not entirely true.

For one, if you remember several blogs back, there is the revelation that “leading worship” is about so much more than simply putting together a song set and getting other people (hopefully other believers) to follow along. It’s about creating, leading, guiding intentionally, those who are seeking an experience with our Heavenly Father so that there is not simply an emotional (or worse, musical) response to a feeling that cannot be explained, expounded or grounded into something more tangible and life changing.
I am not God. I cannot change a person’s life. But I do have the responsibility of leading others into His presence wisely, reverently, lovingly. Sometimes that just comes from song. Sometimes it’s a scripture or a testimony. Sometimes it’s silence. Here's an often misunderstood concept: leading worship is not about musical ability. It’s not about what I want. It’s not about manipulation. It’s about being in touch with Him who I’m preparing to bring others to meet. It’s His residence. Shouldn’t he get a say in how and why we come?

B, I’ve done Sunday morning music leading for many years, in many different capacities, responsibilities, durations and expectations. While my call to lead others in worship is unmistakable in my life, I’ve never felt particularly called to be a “full-time worship leader” in a specific body. It is an avenue that was briefly explored and felt that He has other plans and expectations with me and my calling (had I gone that route, I may not be in China now).

My point is that just because I’ve been called to lead the body of believers into worship encounters with our Creator, does not mean that the answer to my question is a black and white simple one. Evidently, he’s already told me full-time is not the road, so where does that leave me?

            Choo-choo Train (See the Skit Guys Adam And Eve, if you’re confused about my progression), I live in Asia. Being a full-time, called, passionate-about-worshiping-my Abba leader is going to look very different than what is commonly seen in North America. Even if I wanted to, the option of getting a full-time position is not so simple.

So when you’re called to live in a country where ministry looks like the everyday mundane of going to an actual j-o-b and earning a salary to live on; where the Body that is legally allowed to meet together is still controlled in some part by the government, and where most of those gathering are spending their days and nights giving, serving, meeting, and living in such a way that come Sunday, finding volunteers who aren’t burnt out can be a challenge; where there is lots of curiosity and hundreds of different cultures, backgrounds, denominations, beliefs, interpretations, and expectations being brought to the table – what does this call to worship really look like? If the call was easily misconstrued and misunderstood pre-Cn, how much more now in light of all of this.? I mean, I can’t just pick up my guitar and start worshiping my Father and expect all the others to join in can I?

J Maybe I can.

So, this last week’s meeting together of our small group, I felt summed up well, what I’ve learned about worship, about my calling/name, and about the Church:

-       1 Corinthians 12 talks about the gifts of the Spirit, “many members, one body”. We are to recognize that every individual has been gifted by the Spirit and that there is no greater or lesser, just different, so as to accomplish the ultimate goal.

-       1 Corinthians 13 talks about the importance of love. Most of us know this, and some of us might even be aware that it follows the chapter about Spiritual gifts, but how often do we consider that the two are connected? Our love for others should be non-judging, unbiased, not self-seeking but God seeking so that we, together, can accomplish the ultimate goal.

-       1 Corinthians 14 sums up the previous two chapters by exhorting us to seek both love and spiritual gifts, but with this added reminder – The body of Christ is to ALWAYS be encouraging, edifying, empowering and, get this, loving. This, so that no matter who or what, no greater, no lesser, in unconditional, Spirit-filled love, we can accomplish the ultimate goal.

So what is this ultimate goal?

            “So with yoiurselves, since you are eager for manifestations of the Spirit, strive to excel in building up the church.” (emphasis mine) 1 Cor 14:12

            “What then, brothers?  When you come together, each one has a hymn, a lesson, revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation. Let all things be done for the building up.” (emphasis mine) 1 Cor 14: 26

If the church is the bride of Christ, should we not be seeking to build ourselves up? Should we not be seeking to be all that He has given us to be? For when we do, we the bride, glorify our Husband. And that, is my heart’s desire.

So I still don’t always have an exact answer to my question. It changes sometimes from day to day. I want to build up the church with spiritual gifts that I have been given. But I’m learning to accept that it doesn’t look the same every day.

That is what worshiping the Living God is all about!

Worship is… Part 6: Letting Go

In August, I was able to spend about three weeks off just hanging out and enjoying a little bit of summer. The time in HK was wonderful but I hadn’t prepared (in any way) to spend two weeks away from home and I desperately needed some ‘me-time’ at my own home.

When I got the word back from the university that they were not going to allow me to finish my degree this year, I struggled. 

A lot.

For over 6 years I have struggled to earn my four-year degree. There always seems to be something getting in the way. When I would go to Abba and ask Him about it, He would force me to look back down the road I’ve taken and then ask, “would you have done anything differently?”

Was there ever a decision or life change that I made that I didn’t feel like God was leading me to? No. (Well, one. But it was minor and God saw fit to use even that time. J)

My journey through life has never been easy, predictable or even practical. But I know that God has never left my side. In every season of my life, there has been a lesson learned.

Dealing with family

Learning what it means to be a leader

Learning what it means to be a friend

Learning that prayer works

Developing a faithful prayer life

Discovering God in the moment

Finding the importance of family (given and acquired)

When to hold on

When to let go

How to communicate

Self-worth

Identity

Call

Purpose

Trusting God in the good

Trusting God in the bad

Trusting God always

The list could go on. 

The lessons have been endless. And often they connect without me even realizing.

In August I went to God and begged for an answer for the “why” – I wouldn’t graduate. I had failed once again. The voice in my mind was telling me that I would never do it. That I didn’t deserve to do it. And that everyone in my life would now know the truth that I had tried so desperately to hide.

I went to him. And I asked. But I was too scared to listen.

Those who I had told the news about school had been more supportive than I could have imagined. In part, because they were intentional about making sure that they did not view me any differently than they did before. It struck me that there were only three people in my life who knew how badly this hit stung me, and I am pretty confident that none of them went off and told the world that I needed words of encouragement about this. I knew it was Daddy.

But even with that, I was too scared to admit my insecurities, even to Him.

A few weeks later my roommate sat me down and asked the hard questions.

“Would you be content if you never got a degree?”

In forcing me to look at what school meant to me, whether it had become an idol, whether I needed to just give it up, what has God told me about school, I learned another lesson about myself and about God.

I learned that a degree had become a point of self-worth to me.

I remembered that God has been teaching me to turn to Him with every struggle.

I learned that in even in this God had/has and will continue to be working and in no way do my achievements define who I am.

I learned to let it go.

"Let it go! Let it go!….I don't care what they're going to say! Let the storm rage on…." (hehehe couldn't resist)

Worship Is… Part 5: Schoooool’s Out [For Summer]!

In June, we were settling into our new apartment and completing work contracts, and, I, was anxiously looking forward to a few weeks off for summer break (my roommate had already been off of work for several weeks).

Without boring you with too much detail, in order to live and work legally in China, you must have a work visa provided by the company that you are working for. Since I was changing jobs, that meant that I was going to have to go through a new visa process; which included a trip to Hong Kong for paper work and leaving the country and all that jazz.

Joanna and I had planned a trip to HK to spend a few days with a friend of ours who was about to move back to States to get her Master’s degree. However, it was about two weeks too early to get my visa stuff processed at the same time. So I was going to have to make another trip back a few weeks later. Here are the details to keep in mind:

            We left for HK on Saturday, July 26.

            Return tickets scheduled for Monday, July 28.

            My visa expired (I cannot get back into China) Thursday, July 31.

To make a long story short, by some fluke [Divine] intervention, Jo and I missed our train back to Xiamen by five minutes on that Monday. There were no more available tickets until the following Monday, at which point my visa would be expired and would not be able to go home.

This meant that my new employer was going to have to mail all the paperwork to me in HK when it was ready.

It also meant that I/we needed a place to stay for an indefinite amount of time.

So we returned to our beloved friend’s parents house, and they were kind enough to house us for a few more days, during which time we were able to work out other accommodations for the rest of the time.

But something else happened as well. On the morning of Tuesday, July 29, I received an email from my university informing me that I had been put on Academic dismissal.

(Now, there are so, so, SO many feelings and background stories that I could share about this….but this is not the specific purpose of this blog, so suffice it to say that, the process of getting to this point with the school had been long and arduous.) Despite the process I had been going through with the school, I felt blindsided by this information. And originally, the shame kept me from telling pretty much anybody. But by God’s grace, the conversation kept conveniently turning to it with various people that day and by the evening, everyone knew. However, no one’s reactions were what I’d anticipated.

The email had mentioned one last appeal option. We took it. Four of us, women from various walks of life, currently different paths, with different skill sets and talents got together and prayed and brainstormed and cried (well that was mostly me), and, for two days put together the best possible appeal proposal any school could possibly ever want to receive from a student (esp one struggling on the other side of the world). These days were precious and so obviously divinely ordained. I strongly believe that I needed to be there in that house, with that family for that moment in my life. My process would have been so entirely different, if I hadn’t had them by my side.

I received an email back from the university the day after submitting my appeal saying that they would give me an answer within two weeks. For the next week and a half, Joanna and I had time to relax, process, catch up with friends and just enjoy the many God stories that He was giving us. (Even during this time, He never failed to remind us that Daddy was the one in control, and that we could totally depend on Him.) We even got a few days on the beach!

In the end, I determined that apparently Daddy saw fit to give his girls just over two weeks of not just down time, but time of refreshment and encouragement from very good and very special friends. Something we needed and weren’t really aware of.

Three weeks later I finally got word back from the university. They decided to refuse my appeal. Knowing that God had clearly been working through all of it during weeks prior, there was a strange, unexplainable peace that came with the news. Options were plenty, time was no longer an issue as I was able to get my visa, and I was ok with waiting for the next step to present itself. I still struggle[d] a bit with shame and judgment from others about this situation (if you’re curious about more details, email me), but even in that He is/was faithful.

“Even what the enemy means for evil, You turn it for our good and Your glory. Even in the valley You are faithful, You’re working for our good and Your glory.” – Soveriegn Over Us, MWS