I had a brief conversation with some friends yesterday and was reminded of what it is that makes a testimony.
Dictionary.com defines testimony as a "statement or declaration of a witness under oath or affirmation; evidence in support of a fact or statement; proof; open declaration of profession, as of faith"
I think the best of those definitions is the word "evidence."A testimony gives evidence. As a believer, I often hear the term in reference or connection to a statement of faith - what do I believe and why. The 'why' is the important part.
In the context of a good storyline, there needs to be conflict for the [happy] ending to make an impact. Here's the realiztion that came to me: if our testimony is meant to bring glory to God's name, the conflicts we go through should truly be, as Peter says, something to rejoice over (1 Peter 4:13), for we know the One who will bring us out of those hard times and we'll have a great story to tell others after.
This was yesterday.
So this morning, I was reading about Moses in Egypt. About Pharaoh giving the Israelites more work when Moses asked to take them away. And as I sat and thought again about this concept of trials giving us a greater testimony, the wonderful David Crowder began to play on my iPod.
"When the shadows fall on us, we will not fear. We will remember. When darkness falls on us, we will not fear. We will remember. When all seems lost, when we're thrown and we're tossed, just remember the cost. We're resting in the shadow of the cross." - Shadows
What a beautiful reminder of peace we can hold onto while going through those hard times, knowing in the end, we come out victorious.
All of this gets summed up in a perfectly beautiful way (at least I think so), with a letter that I got from my mother after all of this. In this letter she makes reference to the trials that I have been forced to face thus far in my life, and I was reminded once again of all the good that God has done in me through a seeming multitude of bad situations. The testimony of God's goodness, His provision, His protection, His answered prayer, His strength, His grace, His mercy can be seen throughout the brief history of that which is my life. God is faithful. Don't ever forget it. And remember the next time you find yourself surrounded by darkness, there is still hope in the darkness. God bless
"You're a terrible person"
"Why are you so mean?"
"That's just rude."
Just a few of the remarks that I hear on a fairly regular basis. Now, I will say that usually it's said by friends or family who I know love me and who are not being entirely serious when they speak. But nevertheless, the statements are just terribly mean and rude no matter how they're spoken. The irony right?? :D
The reality is that my reaction in such moments is to honestly acknowledge the truth and it accept it. I'll admit, the remarks are warranted usually. But even if they're not, there's still a truth in these statements. I was reminded of this yesterday as I was listening to a sermon on Hosea.
The bible tells us that "no one is righteous, not one" (Rom 3:10) and that "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Rom 5:8) These are fairly common phrases that get tossed around in Christian circles, I feel, in an effort "to keep us humble," whatever that means.... But while most of us will readily admit that we are sinners, saved by grace and imperfect in many ways, how often do we consider ourselves bad people? I mean really, we are just as guilty as the unbelievers who compare themselves to one another by saying, "I'm a good person. At least I'm not doing that." Disclaimer: this is not an attack. What I am saying is this:
There is absolutely nothing good about us. Hosea was told to marry AND LOVE (notice it's an active choice) a woman he knew would be unfaithful to him. Taking it a step further, he actually went and BOUGHT HER OUT OF SLAVERY after she'd left him and gotten herself into a horrible situation. And God used this to give us a picture of the kind of love that He has for us. Never once did she ever do anything to earn his love, nor are we ever told of what her response to his love was. There was no guarantee that she would return, or even honor, his love. This is God's picture for us. There was nothing about us that was appealing or even promising about us, but God CHOSE to love us despite that.
I was also struck by Jesus' command to us to "love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength." (Mat 22:37, among others) In other words, to love with ALL you are. Think about this with me... if God IS love and God is perfect...and if we are to be transformed (Rom 12:2) and made into His image, then our love, for both Him and for others, should be perfect as well, right? Our love is imperfect because we are imperfect. We are insecure, broken and scared. If there's anything I want you to get from this blog, it's this:
God, in all of His sovereignty and righteousness, can love perfectly because He knows that loving others, and more importantly how others respond to His love, does not change His own value or worth.
What does this mean for us? It means that when we allow His love to transform our hearts, we begin to realize that our worth and value comes not from what others think of us or what we do, but from the value that He's given us. While we were still sinners, unfaithful and filthy, God sent His own Son to earth to defeat death so that He could be with us terrible people.
How marvelous is that??
One of the perks I've found in working half days is the beauty of naps. I love naps. Naps are wonderful. And it's such a beautiful spot during my morning routine when I'm waking up at ungodly hours to be able to think, "I can come back home and take a nap in just a few hours." The problem is that I'm a horrible napper. I am a horribly cranky morning person. I wake up as early as I do, because if I show up at work within an hour of rolling out of bed, I'd probably lose my job shortly after losing my patience.
Well I'm not a whole lot better after waking up from a nap. My attitude is just fine so long as there are no people for me to interact with. However, I am now living with two other people. The good thing is that our morning schedules don't conflict so the mornings are generally peaceful. But by the time I wake up from my nap however, at least one, if not both, roommates are home. So as of late, my days have looked a little something like this:
wake up (1 hr of no people = good morning)
four hours of happy times
lunch
nap time
CRANKINESS
bedtime
I'd like to say that this is slightly exaggerated but I know there's a good chance that at least one of my roommates will be agreeing wholeheartedly on this.
In the last two weeks I've learned two things: 1) I have to learn how to live with other people and, 2) I have to be intentional about getting time alone. I have have time to myself or people begin to irritate me. And when I'm surrounded by them all the time (as opposed to living alone and being able to hide out), that time doesn't come by itself. And so I've found that I can be very biting and verbally aggressive with the slightest provocation. In light of (not because of) this realization, I've been doing some reflecting this week and I've found that like a diamond that reflects light at varying angles, a great beauty is grace that shines in many forms.
You see, God's grace is revealed to us through His pursuit of us despite our failings and fallings. I've been comforted by the scripture in Psalms 103 that says,
"He will not always accuse us, and he will not be angry forever. He has not punished us as our sins should be punished; he has not repaid us for the evil we have done. As high as the sky is above the earth, so great is his love for those who respect him. He has taken our sins away from us as far as the east is from west. The Lord has mercy on those who respect him, as a father has mercy on his children. He knows how we were made; he remembers that we are dust." v.9-14
I love the fact that I can call God Almighty my Father as well. Not because I've earned my way into His affections or done anything to merit His favor, but simply because He loves me enough to cover my sins with blood-colored grace and call me His child.
But that's not the only thing that warms my heart. For the power of grace is not fully felt until it can be genuinely shown to others. My post-nap nature does not show grace. And for this I am deeply sorry. But while I may fail in showing grace, I have two wonderful roommates who have been faithful to show me grace after a nap, though I truly don't deserve it.
I have to say that this concept of grace is one that I've been tossing back and forth with God for about a month now. =D Only God, in all His faithfulness, would would find a way to use something as simple as my naps to clarify a concept so huge. Grace is not about showing love, respect or honor to those you like or who you feel deserve it. Nor is it just about big things. It's about showing love to those who by all means don't deserve it (i.e. everyone), all the time. Grace, for me, has been revealed after the blessing of a nap.
So I've been back in Xm for a week now, and to be completely honest, it's been a bit rough. The severity of it became apparent to me a few nights ago with the sudden and unexpected onset of tears during a random conversation. I have since been trying to pinpoint the cause and while there have been quite a few factors involved, the root of it can be chalked up to exhaustion and stress (which I have never been known to handle well). But I'm not writing to tell you about how upset I've been, rather I had a moment on the bus ride home today that I felt worth sharing.
With the backdrop of frustration and exhaustion, I happened to look down at my left hand where the only ring I wear these days sits. I tend to play with it quite often without ever really thinking about it, but today as I looked down at it I was reminded of the significance of this ring. For me, this ring holds dear for a few reasons. It is a simple friendship knot that reminds me of love. I'm reminded of my love for my father - who bought me the ring. I'm reminded of the commitment I've made to my future husband to love him always and unconditionally. I'm also reminded of God's love for me.
You see, the idea of love in a knot holds a perfect picture of truth to me, because there is no love that can be broken without permanent damage. Love, once forged, is binding, intimate and becomes a part of your very person. No matter what the degree of a relationship, when a bond of love is formed, there is no taking it back.
In my self-absorbed exhaustion, I have strained relationships that are dear to me, causing a deeper pain. And while we may endure the pain we cause to ourselves, I was reminded on that bus today that Jesus suffered that pain to the ultimate degree, and THAT because of his unceasing, passionate love for me. More than that, it's because of the pain of a "broken knot", I can now rest assured knowing that no matter how badly I pull away, how often I turn away or how stubbornly I stay away, there is "nothing that can ever separate [me] from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither [my] fears for today not [my] worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate [me] from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate [me] from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8: 38-39)
There is a peace that comes from this reminder. It's sets my heart at ease and allows me to let go of what I can never control.
God, thank you for the grace of your love that pours over my ugliest moments.
