How do I feel?

How do you get your brain to slow down? 
On those days when you feel like you're in hyperdrive and you're about to spin out of control, how do you get grounded?
Some people go for a walk or a run, some have a drink or a smoke, some read a book or watch tv. Some people just don't slow down until everything falls apart, while others will just quit altogether when things get too crazy.

Since being in CN, I've discovered a purpose for coloring. It gives my body something to do while allowing my brain time to relax and reset. Sometimes I process. Sometimes I just zone out. I've found it to be very theraputic. AND the beauty of it is that as a kindergarten teacher, I can usually find things that need to be colored for some activity in class which then allows me to kill at least two birds with one stone. =]
However, for the second time this month, I have been deathly ill. Ok, not deathly...I have family members reading this who will be more than a little concerned...I'm fine now. As I was lying around with zero energy and desperately needing something to do, I started coloring the animals in Brown Bear, Brown Bear. Obviously, we'll be doing something with that book this week in class.

Where am I going with this? Obviously my coloring therapy has some room for improvement.

One of my roommates has been getting on me about not taking time to slow down and just rest until my body refuses to function any more and I'm forced to stay in bed. Apparently, it's my own fault for being sick.... Without realizing it, I think I tend to live my life in overdrive. And anything that slows me down or is not a part of "the plan", is seen as an irritation. Emotions, responsibilities, forgotten promises to keep, random stranger, or friend wants to talk...obviously, I swallow the inconvenience and make the best of a great opportunity. But swallowing the emotion, doesn't always make it go away. I tend to be more of an "act now, feel later" type of person. 
As I was coloring yesterday, I got to thinking about how even in my spiritual walk I tend to stay in hyperdrive, which means that I don't slow down often enough to just rest with God. "Act now, feel later" is as conducive to a growing relationship with God as ignoring stressors will keep me from getting sick every three weeks. It's not gonna happen. What I'm learning is that I need to take time to ask how do I feel. And not just when I get around to it, but during the actual moment. 

Summer

I feel the need to back track a bit. I spend a lot of my time contemplating and rehashing events in my life. But this often occurs when I’m unable to reach a means of recording my thoughts – preferably a computer, as my fingers keep up with my brain better when they’re typing. That said, I’d like to go back to my summer.

I had the opportunity to go back to the States for two months. Two months sounds like a wonderful amount of time to spend vacationing (especially when you’re spending it in your home country), however when you’re visiting three cities and an unknown amount of people, two months can fly by.

To be completely honest, I was a bit apprehensive on my return home. Spending a year out of your comfort zone will cause one to stretch and grow in ways that most wouldn’t even think of, let alone experience. The idea of going back home and facing the multitude of questions about life in China was daunting. How do you explain to people whose lives have simply continued on, that your life has been completely turned inside out? Seemingly all of the sudden, people you were once walking through life with, now seem to be on a different road altogether. And here I am taking a brief detour to try to explain to you what my road looks like. It’s an overwhelming task to attempt for one such as I; one who wholeheartedly wants to keep all the wonderful people that have blessed my life in the loop of what’s becoming of my life.

On top of this, I was returning to a bit of chaos at my parents’ house and I didn’t have a clue what I was about to walk into. What I did know was that my time was limited and that I wanted to make the most of the time I had with those I loved.

I over-think at times. Usually prior to anything actually happening. On my way home, I did A LOT of praying. I prayed for strength and discernment; for peace and for patience, and for a lot of love and compassion. What I found upon arriving state-side, was that I had grown a lot more over the last year than I had realized. My faith and dependency on God had been cultivated in such a way that situations I faced had the opposite affect on me. Rather than being stressed out and frustrated with unreliable people or ridiculous circumstances, I experienced peace in knowing that it was all under His control and a joy in recognizing the opportunity that failed plans created for something more, somewhere else. I rejoiced in moments of suffering out of thankfulness for simply being able to be there with loved ones as they faced those trials. This summer taught me how wonderfully faithful God is; how gracious and patient He is with His children and how peaceful His love is.

I am incredibly grateful for my time home this summer. Relationships are precious to me, and I realize that I’m horrible about staying in touch, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. Despite what some might think, I care more than you know. But more comforting to me is the fact that I know the One who brought each of you into my life. I know that He had a plan and a purpose for doing so and I know that He has control.  I know that friendship is built on more than convenience and that I’ve been blessed to have many that have and will continue to withstand the distance.

I’ve had many people ask me how my summer went. And while home, I had a lot of people ask me how my year in China was. As you can see, neither of these are easy questions for me to answer, as there is a lot involved in an honest answer. But hopefully, I can give you a better view from my perspective here. God bless

A Gentle Whisper

One of my youngest students is an absolute pistol and incredibly adorable. Her mother works for JT and so is often in the classroom with me. She speaks no English, but her two and a half year old daughter is so bossy and so independent that mom and I will often exchange glances from across the room - hers a look of helpless surrender to her daughter's personality, and mine of complete amusement. Without a doubt, she's the most active in the class and has, on occasion, had to be reminded that I'm the teacher, not her. Regardless, this little one has my heart. She is precious. And today she gave me a precious moment. 

I made her mad by not letting her do what she wanted and telling her to go play. When she finally understood what I was telling her, she went to the other side of the room and proceeded to pout the most pathetic pout a manipulative, little girl could produce and refused to come to me when I called. Twice today we had a stand-off of wills. I will always win. Nevertheless, I couldn't have this little one upset with me over something she simply needed to be patient and wait for. After a few minutes she had found something else to occupy her attention but she still wasn't responding to my calls, so when she got within my reach, I pulled her close and in her own language (go me, I can speak Mandarin on a two year old level!) told her that I loved her. 
This little one, who wouldn't even look at me seconds before, melted into my arms in the sweetest hug and then all was well again. 

This moment was precious to me and it's moments like these that make me love what I do. As I reflected on it this evening, I saw another connection that you may have already picked up on....
How often do we walk away pouting when things don't go the way we want them to? It may not be a literal or even an obvious pout. Perhaps we just stop paying attention to the Teacher. Ignoring His calls, we find other things to keep our attention. Whatever our reaction may be, we refuse to acknowledge Him when He calls until finally we find ourselves in a moment when we're locked in His embrace. And here we have two choices: we can continue to hold on to the hurt and anger or we can listen to the gentle voice of God whisper "I love you."

Much like me today, His plans are not to deprive us of what we want, He just wants us to wait patiently until He's ready for us. When I was ready for her, she and I did what she wanted and we both had a great time together. 

I don't know who's reading this, or what you're going through today. I do know that the Father loves you unconditionally. Trust that His love seeks to give you the very best.