Super Storms and Knowledge

Yesterday we took Mango to the beach. Typhoon Usagi was making waves and destroying the boardwalk impressively, and the Floridian in me wanted to go see. I found myself missing home. The waves, while huge in comparison to what we're used to here in China, were about normal for a wavey day in S. Fl and I was reminded of the many nights I would sit and listen to them beat upon the shore while I just reflected on whatever the my recent circumstance was. These days my most current circumstances consist of working ALL DAY (after years of part time work even a full day with a 2 1/2 lunch is long, haha), school in the evenings, random dinner dates, study groups, outreaches, swimming, and soon I'll be adding leading worship every other week at the international fellowship to that list. 
I'm not complaining mind you. Not at all. With the exception of working all day, I've volunteered for all of these wonderfully fulfilling time-sucking endeavors. At the end of the day, I'm completely exhausted but feeling productive - and that feels good. At the same time, taking a break for random Chinese holiday's feels pretty good as well - especially when the most powerful storm of the year decides to come pay a visit to your coast at the end of it. 

Life is good. 
Work is fun. Home is refreshing. Friends are a blessing. Family is no longer weighing on me. Ministry is in action. And I KNOW that God is at work. Right now. He is at work. And I am at complete peace knowing that I don't have to have all of the answers to what comes next, because I know right now.

I know that the blood of Jesus Christ has redeemed me and that I am bought with a price. That means that I am valuable to God and tells me that He cares about the little things that weigh on my heart enough to take care of them according to His best (which I've learned is a LOT better than mine.)
I know that He is working all things for good because I love Him and have been called according to His purpose. That means the scary things (dad's big day tomorrow) and heart-wrenching moments (the pain of a loved one's choices) are still being used for good in my life. If for no other reason than to reveal more of Himself to me, that would be enough.
I know that Jesus is the head and that we are the body and that we all work together to bring this world into the knowledge of God's glory and love. That means that at every moment I am being the church, and I want to be a light that shines on Him brightly.

I've been reminded in the last week that being the church is much more important the doing church. All the things that fill up my schedule these days are great, but they don't mean a thing if I'm not tuned in to Him. I don't want to just 'do'. Super storm Usagi has reminded me that life is rough, it's unpredictable, and even when it looks like it's going to be bad, it's not always what it seems. I've seen beauty and strength and I'm reminded once again that God is holding it/us all in His hands. I'm safe. I'm secure. I'm His. 

God loves me! God loves me!

It's been a looong, drawn out week. Because of my own stupidity and procrastination skills, this week was filled with little sleep, bits of irritation and in the midst of that, wonderful blessings of needed reminders.

The first one came from this goofball here. He's one of my newer students that just recently started but he loves to be loved and is just a great joy to have in class. Some of the conversations that he and I have are quite humorous to me (as most convos in my class are..). This is the kid that when I tell the class to clean up, he walks around with an armful of toys and tells me the name of every OTHER student who isn't cleaning up. He also has a tendency to "creep" around me. He'll come just close enough to be outside my reach and often won't say anything to me, he'll just watch and wait for me to acknowledge him.
So on Thursday, I noticed him "creeping" and I called him over to me. He comes over and just falls into my lap in a half hug, and I tell him that I love him. He speaks decent English but is still limited in how much he really understands, so he just kind of looks at me blankly. So I ask him, if he knows that I love him and he answers, "huh?" So in Chinese, I ask him the same question again and his face lights up with a big smile and in Chinese he answers back, "I love you!" Then he runs off to go play with a giant smile on his face. The best part of this was that a few minutes later I overheard him telling some of the other kids "I love you" in Chinese with a big smile. I'm not sure that any of them actually responded to him at all, but it didn't damper his enthusiasm at all. It put a smile on my face.

The other moment came on Friday with this beautiful joy. I had her in my class last year and we formed quite a bond. She too, LOVES to cuddle and just love and be loved. I walked into her classroom Friday to get some materials and she ran up to give me a hug, which is normal. So I picked her up and started hugging and kissing her and telling her how much I loved her and she just melted in laughter and happiness. Then I moved on to get my stuff. As I turned to walk back out, I see her skipping around the room in pure joy saying, "Raychel loves me! Raychel loves me!" and my heart melted. I really do.

Last weekend I heard a message that reminded me that God loves me. 
What a concept....GOD. LOVES. ME. 
And I was struck by how mild my response to that love typically is. I mean, really?? How amazing is it that God, GOD, loves me? It's incredible! And so each morning this week, I've been reminding myself of this truth: that God loves me. It doesn't matter what I've done or haven't done. It doesn't matter what other people think about my faults and failures. It doesn't even matter how inadequate I feel in this life that I live. None of it matters. Because it's God's love for me that gives me worth, NOT my love for God.
I'll say that again. 

It's God's love for me that gives me worth and value, NOT my love for God. 

Both of these moments with these kids this week reminded me of the joy that we should have in realizing God's love for us. How often do we go prancing around telling people in excitement about God's love for us? 
While I was still a sinner, Christ chose to die for me and there is absolutely NOTHING that can separate me from His love in Christ Jesus. I'm thankful for the reminders that He gives to remind me how much He loves. 

Shame: Who Carries It?

I’ve been thinking about this idea of shame for a few weeks now (perhaps because I’ve recently faced my first tangible experience of shame, I’m not sure). There’s a line in one of my current favorite songs that asks, “who chose to carry all my shame?” It made me stop and think, and I have found that it is a concept that seems slightly elusive to me.

As a Christian, I’ve heard and stated and repeated the whole, “God has erased all my shame…all of my guilt is gone…I cannot disappoint God..” 'shpeel', but I honestly don’t recall ever feeling shame so strongly as when I clearly saw the negative effects of my choices/actions on one that I dearly love – a response that I truly did not expect; a response that was born out of love. So I ask myself:

What is shame?

Why do we have shame?

Is shame that is provoked by people something that people (or Christians?) should be concerned about?

How do we experience shame with God? After all, “therefore, there is now no condemnation…”

My bible dictionary/concordance defines shame as “a condition or feeling of humiliating disgrace or disrepute…” Shame brings feelings of criticism and condemnation, belittlement and a lessening of one’s value. I don’t know if you’re catching this vibe, but none of these things connect with the God that I know from the Bible. None of these feelings coincide at all with what God teaches us. So where does it come from?

There is most definitely a shame that comes with our fallen nature through sin. Our value, our worth, our acceptance are all based on what we do or don’t do. When we’re not good enough, we carry shame. Because in our fallen nature we can never be good enough for God, we innately carry shame that can’t ever be redeemed except by the blood of Jesus Christ. By his blood we are cleansed and forgiven, we are made whole and God looks at us as though we are new, spotless, unblemished. This is why scripture says that we no longer have any shame or condemnation through Christ Jesus. This is why we are not to carry shame as though we have some burden to work off. 

WE CAN’T WORK IT OFF!

AND THE BEAUTIUFL THING IS THAT HE DOESN’T ASK US TO!

But there is a shame that we need to be wary of... and that is casting a light of shame on God and His word. To make less of Him and what’s He’s done is to bring shame on His name and all that He is. Using His name in vain, dishonoring His righteous intentions, and rejecting His grace all make less of Him. God uses the weak to shame the proud. When we take what He has given us and make it something other than what He intended, when we take His name, His blood as our own, and wear it around as a casual windbreaker, we make less of Him. To make less of God in a world defiant to His love, is to say to the world, “you’re right, He’s not that big, not that important, not that significant.” You shame God. You shame His word. You shame the work of Christ on the cross.

That which is little is big in the hands of God. That which is weak is strong in the arms of God. That which is worthless is invaluable in the sight of God. Those who are humble will stand proud in the love of God.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” - Rom 8:1

The grace of God alone covers our shame. Let no one tell you otherwise.

Facing Fears

One of my favorite spots as a child was a window seat in one of our houses. It didn't overlook anything special; I don't even really remember what it was that I looked at, I just remember feeling at peace there. I would turn on some music, maybe get a book (or cd booklet), and just sit...and sing. It's been years since we lived there, but ever since, whenever I see a window seat, my heart gives a little leap of excitement. Not until moving to China have I had much experience with balconies (or rooftops), but I've come to realize I have a very similar reaction when I step out onto one. It's a feeling of release, of rest. 
I think that I might actually be afraid of heights deep down, but rather than running from that fear, I find the thrill of facing it freeing - with the exception of one time driving up the side of Pikes Peak with my family and being absolutely terrified that the van was gonna fall off the edge of the mountain. That is the only time I ever remember not being fully certain that my fear was unfounded. I bet my family didn't even know I was scared though. :) 
The reason I share this though is because every time I step onto a balcony, sit in a window seat or the edge of a roof, there's a part of me that feels as if I'm simply letting go of all control. I'm reminded that I am minuscule in the big picture and that I hold no control. The relief of not needing to is wonderful.

That window seat from my childhood has been on my mind a lot the last few weeks. In a strange bit of irony, I came to HK for a few days to get away and be alone to find that my bedroom has a wonderful window seat that is all mine to hole up in for hours at a time. Honestly, when I first climbed in, I was met with tears. This time I know that my escape comes in the form of the arms of my God. And in the process the lyrics to a song have spoken for me when I had no words.

 "I will stay, should the world 'round me fall, lift up Your name as the darkness falls. I will wait and hold fast to Your word; heart on Your heart and my eyes on Yours." - Stay and Wait, Hillsong United

You see, the world around me has fallen. All that I once knew and held tightly to has been exposed to be false. I have had walls broken down to reveal the devastation and neglect that has been ignored behind them. I feel weak. I feel exposed. I feel empty. 
My strength to give has all but diminished, not out of lack of desire, but a legitimate inability to do so. My energy is depleted and my emotions...are overwhelming. 
But there is a hope that I've found as well. Hope in knowing that in this exposure, this brokenness, I am ultimately, in the most desperate way possible, left at the mercy of God. It is by His hand that I've have been reduced to such and I am at peace with that. For I know that it is "in my weakness that He is made strong." I KNOW that He has full control. I also know that I have no means of taking back control. My life - however small and insignificant it is - is in His hands. And I find my solace in that.
So as I sit in the comfort of my window seat, feeling His arms of love wrapped around me, I'm finding the courage to face what I've been too scared to look at -  the loneliness that comes when you accept that people will always disappoint you. 
He will give me the strength to love again and by His mercy I will be made whole. I will be made complete in Him, and oh! The glory that He will receive in the end! 
"I will stay, should the world 'round me fall; lift up Your name as the darkness falls. I will wait, and hold fast to Your word; heart on Your heart and my eyes on Yours."

The Tie That Binds

So this post is, in part, a few weeks late. I'm finding that my motto this year is "life happens" and it sometimes gets in the way of what I intend to do. But even in the posting of my blogs, I sense that God knew that making me wait to post would give more meat to the subject. Of course He was right.

About three Sunday's ago, I had the very unique and precious experience of being able to "perform" (I hate that word) original songs with my two roommates on a public platform. Each of us did one of our own, and then two others just to sandwich the set. It truly was an amazing experience. For me, having the two of them up on the platform with me, gave me an extra boost of confidence for sure, but I think the greater blessing was watching both of them step up and expose their hearts to the public. I know how incredibly nerve-racking such a set-up can be, and it was no less stressful this time around. But they did wonderful! I think, for all three of us, one of the exciting factors was the ability that we had to alternate roles with both leading and supporting, as well as alternating instruments. And as I had the pleasure of sitting in the back and playing the drum for both of their songs, I remember thinking how amazing it is to see how far the three of us have come this year and what a blessing it is to be walking this season of the journey with them both. And what a season it's been!

Jess has affectionately dubbed it "the dark ages" and I have to admit that it's a fitting title. In the last three weeks alone, life has changed dramatically for all three of us, in ways that we would have never expected. I'm not inclined to share my roommates business on here for all of you to read, but your prayers for them would be very greatly appreciated.
As for me, I've been working through the horribly painful process of healing from old childhood wounds and facing truths about myself and my parents that I've ignored for years. (Side note: this is largely responsible for my lack of postings.) I've been coming to terms with my parents' coming divorce, learning that to be disappointed in people drives us closer to the One who never disappoints and, in the process, finding a new passion for more of God, birthed out of broken-hearted worship. 
The last six months have been riddled with one pain after another. It has truly been a time of darkness. But in all of the darkness that has surrounded, the presence of His Spirit has penetrated in such a real, tangible way that I can't help but look at the pain and say "thank you Father." 
In addition to that, I marvel at His divine plan to bring the three of us (my roommates and I) together at this stage of life. Between the three of us we have faced death, separations, disappointments, scary and uncertain circumstances.... We have given up what we wanted to hold on to, we have stepped out blindly, we have learned to speak and learned to be silent. We have been transparent and brutally honest. We have prayed together, cried together, laughed together - often all in the span of just one conversation. :) Through it all we have seen the power and strength of our great God hold us, guide us and comfort us. And while each of us has come to know that He is and always will be enough to get us through any situation, He has additionally blessed us with each other. 

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecc 4:12"

There's a good chance that I've bragged on my awesome roommates already in previous posts, but this blessing is worth bragging about again. It is truly a comfort see how God has tangibly provided for each of us the relationship, the accountability and the strength that we would each need as we walk this road. I kind of feel as though the concert that we were able to do was a visible picture of how far the three of us have come both individually and corporately, and the fluid shifts in our roles with each other that happen as needed and so naturally. He has bonded us together, and even now, though we are not able to be together physically, there is a constant reminder that He has connected us to each other.
God is BIG. And He is faithful. And He knows long before we ever do, exactly what we need. I am so thankful that His provision has come in the form of such wonderful friends that will encourage, love on and help to carry burdens to the cross when the load is too heavy to carry alone.

Praise through Pain

I wrote a new song a few weeks ago. Well actually, the lyrics got written back in July of last year. However, I felt impressed upon last month to write a specific song - a song to share at the forum I was leading worship for in Thailand - and in the process of working and praying that out, I came across this thing that I'd written. Amazingly enough, the melody came to me almost immediately. In a way, I feel as though the song wrote itself. What's most significant to me though is what it has meant to me personally since it's birth - because leave it to me to not recognize the full weight of my own writing until after the fact. :)

Being the non-attention seeking, super insecure person that I am, sharing my own music with others is still a pretty big deal for me, and yet I knew I had to share this with this wonderful group of people. And began to pray that God would show me how it tied in to everything that had been shared and ministered throughout the week. Prior to that I would have explained the concept of this song as 'worship through any season'. Then God showed me that this isn't just an "any season" worship song, but a song of worship through pain. Much of that week had been spent talking about how God is speaking and working and present no matter what the situation or "season", but especially in the times when it's hardest. And I thought, "Wow! This song is so appropriate God." And then, for some reason (I can't imagine how/why...), I started to listen to it myself and realized that this song was ministering to me in a way that I had not expected or intended. So naturally, if it ministers to me, I have to share it with others.

"In the midst of brokenness" and despair, when life goes on with or without you, we have a choice to either worship the God who is faithful always or give in to the pain and hopelessness. This song is my choice. Coming out of a season of great brokenness, desperation and need, the spirit of this song gives hope and encouragement to one who is seeking goodness and light. (Mind you, it was written prior to that season. God knew.)
I will declare the One who is always faithful.
I will proclaim the grace that He pours out on this undeserving child.
I will tell others of the Love that comforts when all other comforts fail.
I will choose to praise.

There is a light shining no matter how dark it gets.


**Blogger wouldn't let me just upload the Mp3, so you're stuck with a bad video of me. BUT you don't have to watch it. You could just hit play and flip to a different screen to do something else while you listen. =D

God Speaks

I was in the kitchen a few moments ago, getting coffee and thinking through what I wanted to write here when I started singing a Third Day song, 

May Your wonders never cease, may Your Spirit never leave, may we ever long to see Your face. And when we turn from you again, oh how quickly we forget, may we be reminded of Your grace. May Your wonders never cease!

As I'm finishing the last line of this chorus, I look out the window and see this. God is awesome, is He not? :) This picture really doesn't do it justice, I know. To look out over a beautiful blue sky and serenely active ocean, just settled my heart with peace. And you can't see it, but the wind today is simply glorious.
He's in the sunshine. He's in the wind. And the gentle crash of the waves is like hearing Him breathe - the simple comfort of knowing He's here, in it all. :D

What's really cool is how this ties in so beautifully with what I wanted to share. He is just so good!
As you know, my first week in Thailand was spent at a ministry forum where I had the blessed opportunity (again) to lead worship all week. It truly was an amazing and humbling experience that I am so grateful to have had. We also had a speaker come and share, and this is what I wanted to talk about as I'm inclined to think that this is a message that many need to hear. He, John, explained that he was basically going to be giving one long sermon throughout the week, broken up into five days. I'm going to attempt to touch on the highlights in hopefully just a few paragraphs. (Naturally, I pray that the Spirit will speak to you wherever you are as you read this, but try to also keep in mind the kind of broken place I'm coming from as I'm receiving these words.)
The crux of the message was this: Learning how to hear God speaking from a place of rest.

Notice the emphasis? ;)
Starting in the middle and going beyond just the forum, God started early with me in reminding and emphasizing to me that He is an active, living and speaking God. That means presently, right now, in this moment. He is working. It's not just a done thing that was accomplished in the past, nor is He simply a hope to hold onto for the future, but He desires for us to recognize and allow Him to work in our circumstances right now. 
This caused me to step back and consider how this truth impacts my life daily. Do my prayers reflect this? Do my actions? Do my responses allow room for a living God to work or am I working on my own and giving Him the "finished product" of my work to make pretty?
From this point I was brought to the question of, "if God is speaking, why am I having such a hard time hearing Him?" God in His sovereignty had that answer already in the works.
John made a point that I hope and pray I will never forget. And that is that "God is multi-lingual". What he meant was that God does not always speak the same way to us. He uses fire to declare Himself and He whispers in the gentle, intimate moments. Some people hear Him best in nature, others through a good book, or bible study. Some hear Him best in the silence of doing nothing, others having to be active. These are all good and valid. The point though is that we sometimes tend to learn to listen for Him in those specific ways, and miss the other things He would like to say to us. We must learn to be open to hear Him speak how He chooses to speak rather than how we want Him to speak. And this requires greater training and a deeper intimacy with Him....which, go figure, actually comes in the last part: rest.
I learned that rest doesn't mean not being busy. And it doesn't even necessarily mean getting enough sleep. Rest is the point where the soul is quiet and peaceful regardless of what chaos may be ensuing outside of us. “Those who know Him, trust Him. Those who trust Him are more likely to rest, and are more likely to hear what He has to say and obey.” Finding rest comes with spending time with Him and getting to know Him.

So I come home from vacation refreshed and with a renewed hunger to know Him better and to hear Him more clearer. My moment in the kitchen was just a snapshot of the kind of peace and comfort He's been speaking into my heart. There is SO, so, so much more I would love to share, but I'm afraid I don't have the guts to write that much to you all. :) This is long enough as it is, but I pray that you are encouraged as I have been. 
God is speaking to you. Can you hear Him?